"You have to be strong" ever said those words either inside your head or to another ?
Why do we feel the need to always be strong ?
What is wrong with releasing our true feelings and emotions ?
Does breaking down make us less of a person ?
Is this the English stiff upper lip thing ?
By being strong are we sacrificing our own mental health to make things easier for others ?
Just a ton of questions to which I don't have the answers for. There may not even be an answer or there might be multiple answers. It's all personal , all relevant to you and your situation.
I'd never label myself as strong, but a few people I know say I am. I just get through life in the best way I can, to get the best out of it. Things aren't always easy, I have worries and fears but I cannot let them control me and sap my happiness taking the enjoyment out of all the good in my life. Can't be unhappy when you've got 4 lovely children, a potentially beautiful home, lovely family and friends and a plentiful supply of tea and cake !
Believe me I'm not strong , I don't feel I'm weak either just average. I just cannot let my feelings gush out all the time I'd probably drown ! That doesn't mean I'm blinkered it just means I'd built a dam to keep everything in . Then a couple of years ago when Eloise was ill the dam burst. I found the right person to talk to, the right support. What I had for so long resisted and avoided had caught up with me. Yet I felt no shame or embarrassment. I felt no anger with myself or disappointment in my supposed weakness. Instead of feeling defeated and vulnerable I felt free, lighter, more positive, it was a wonderful release, after I felt more at peace. So now when the feelings are building up I either have a little chat with someone close or close the bathroom door and write things down in this blog. You're my audience my sounding board, my therapy and it feels good. When things are bad I no longer feel alone or struggling. This blog is a great release.
I guess when I was trying to be strong I was denying myself the feelings I needed . I wasn't allowing myself the freedom of being honest, I wasn't admitting that I needed support. I was worried about burdening others with my fears when many of my friends are going through their own hells. I know I'm always banging on about my heart transplant family but I guess it's what happened with Eloise that's given rise to many of my feelings. Actually it's very much ongoing, it's nearly appointment time and the last Gosh echo showed slight changes . First of all I was very worried but I was reassured by her consultants words "very good heart function" Hoping she remains stable . I'm in self preservation mode at the minute, back to writing, baths, candles, music and hypnosis and I'm doing ok. I know you have to look at the test results and tweak treatments but you also have to look at Eloise and the amazing quality of life she has right now. I'm going to look at my happy smiling girl and be inspired.
This picture was taken last week when Eloise wanted to know what was the point of lettuce....."it's just a leaf!"
I suppose too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges. We don't want to appear weak or worry our friends and family. I always want to protect those I love from the full truth if things aren't great. I guess we want to appear as people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own. But now I have opened up to you, you know the truth. I'm only human, and as I said in my last post we all have a breaking point......thank goodness for Elastoplast !
I might have a strong shell but I have a soft middle, see I'm a Minstrel ! Mind you if I'm not alright all that you need to ask me if you're face to face with me is "are you alright?" then the lump in my throat grows and I'll cry ! You've been warned !
I'm so lucky to have so many beautiful people in my life ❤️
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