Just a little blog post about change and trying to deal with it I guess. Weighing up different options and making decisions something I'm notoriously bad at ( I blame it on the stars as I'm a Librian) The thing that I am excited about is the fact I have choices, that I can continue as I am or I can veer off into something new. So I have called this post "Stood at a Crossroad" because crossroads symbolise decisions and they are about changing direction. I have choices that must be made not just because things aren't working out as planned, but because some aspects of my life could be improved upon. It's easy living in my "normal." Change has to happen.
Experiencing the end of my marriage, the challenges of bringing up four children alone, dealing with Eloise's health issues ,ongoing changes at work, maintaining a relic of a house, managing my finances etc could have left me paralysed with fear and honestly at times I'm a crumpled , tearful, broken mess. However I also feel stronger and inspired to make some changes. Taking Eloise's health issues out of the equation I'm actually looking forward to the future, something I have feared for well over a decade, since Eloise's transplant.
I guess at the moment I'm in the transition phase, I've acknowledged the fact I need to make some alterations in my life but I don't even know what changes I am going to make . Something inside my head at the moment is telling me it's time to move on. I wish my head would give me a clearer picture as my heart is leaping about in fear and my insomnia is back with a vengeance ! I'm trying to work out who I am and who I want to be, no wonder I can't sleep . Not knowing I suppose is part of this transition process. Before I know what I want next , I have to work out what aspects of my life are no longer working for my 46 year old self. Perhaps having the top of my ear pierced two years ago wasn't my mid life crisis and I'm actually having it now ? I'm just happy that I feel I have potential to change, adapt and move on. It's quite a forward step.
Some ideas for change are only small and are just thoughts beginning to grow in my head. I just don't want to get stuck in a rut , I don't want life to be ordinary, I want it to be amazing ! I am a control freak, I like things just so, so I am sure I will find it hard to make changes but I feel I should embrace change, relax and go with the flow. I must not fear change because things staying as they are may not give me the best in life.
I guess I just need to trust and be guided by my deepest feelings. Sometimes I am quite wise, full of pearls of wisdom but sadly this is usually me giving advise to others. Therefore not me sorting out my own problems ! I know I sometimes chose the "easy life" option, which doesn't give me the best outcome.
We all have dreams, I just need to help mine grow rather than writing them off as impossible. Some small changes could get me nearer to reaching some of my goals. I don't stretch myself enough.
Sometimes life can be a bit chaotic here, the house is bursting with stuff, clutter and four very lovely but extremely messy young people. I have to share out my time with work and raising my family but keep enough time back for myself. I try to find a balance and I am lucky I do usually get precious time with my thoughts. I think quite a few of the changes I need to make are to the house, some things are major and will involve money and tradesmen but others are more simple and I should be able to implement them myself. Soon I will be receiving more maintenance money from S and taking over all the bills and the house from him. So I will have quite a few financial changes to manage. I am so ready for this change and I am looking forward to independence and home improvements !
Work wise I don't think I will be making any changes at the moment. I don't feel it would be advisable to give up the perfect contract, with the shift pattern that fits in with juggling the children and allowing me to spend a lot of quality time with them. When your child is life limited creating memories and enjoying every precious minute is the priority. My job allows me that. However things change and one day I may make a change , even change direction completely. I'm not sure if any of my skills are transferable , time will tell.
Soon we will experience some changes with Eloise's transplant care. As she is 15 and a half we need to start transition to adult services. Also her very wonderful Bristol Consultant who has been with us since the day she was diagnosed with myocarditis is retiring. Now I guess we either transition her now , or possibly go through changing consultant now and at 18 years old. There maybe an option of a consultant that can see her as a child and adult which would be my preferred option, a more gradual introduction into adult care. Then we need to decide on a adult Transplant Centre, at the minute there are two in the running Harefield and Papworth . So more decisions, more change. I am extremely grateful though to get Eloise to nearly 14 years post transplant, she is one of the lucky ones.
On a personal level , I have already made a few changes. I'm embracing the gym and really enjoying seeing the results. Next a few alterations to my diet so my hard(ish) work isn't in vain ! I'm also really glad that nearly three weeks ago I had the three moles removed from my face. They may not have been that obvious to other people as they were flesh coloured but I was beginning to hate seeing them in every photo of myself. Yes, totally vain, I'll take that but it's really made me happy. I feel more confident and lack of confidence in my appearance has been an issue for many, many years. It's good that my mindset is slowly changing because if you can't love yourself how can you expect others to ?
I have a small group of people in my reality life who are very positive , supportive and encouraging. True friends that are available when I need them to help guide me. I only need guidance I don't need to be told what to do with my life. Just people who listen and let me express myself . The ones that really know the real me, scars and all. They are the ones I know will stick around for the long haul journey no matter how bumpy the ride gets ! Pass the sick bags, I get travel sick !
So I'm excited to get to this cross roads and see new horizons.
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