I am however my worst enemy , I'm not very kind to myself. I beat myself up quite regularly seeing my failings but being blind to my successes. I'm sure that's true for many of us, we don't like to blow our own trumpets and when others compliment us we don't accept the compliments gracefully. Even today I was given a wonderful compliment but did I take it ? No I threw it back out there, I made a sweeping judgement and almost ruined a lovely compliment. Thankfully I saw how stupidly I was acting and I apologised and took the compliment as my friend was being genuine. I guess it's my thoughts and beliefs that are my biggest enemies. I get in my own way !
I have little confidence in the way I look . Certain clothes make me feel happy as I think they fit me well and suit me but on the whole I'm less pleased with my image. This seems like such a shallow thing to say. Yes of course I'll have good days when the mirror is kinder than others. I wonder is the image we see in a mirror the way we look to other people ? Don't get me started on the lighting in changing rooms, do they not want you to buy their clothes ? Jeez you go out thinking you look ok then clock yourself in a variety of angled mirrors, it makes you want to sob. This is even worse if you've had to strip to your underwear to squeeze yourself into an outfit. My cellulite has cellulite, yuck. I definitely look better with my clothes on ! Confidence , are we born with it or does it develop from being nurtured ? I seem to have missed this crucial stage of development. Thankfully my girls aren't so lacking and that makes me happy for them. However small changes in my mind set are happening. I've given up on weighing myself every day, it only made me sabotage a diet. I've given that up too, no more dieting ! Both removed from my life and replaced with a FitBit, hypnosis, a well used gym membership and the feeling of my clothing getting loser ! I no longer crave anything as nothing is out of limits.
I think the lack of confidence may stem from being brought up to be modest, I think a lot of my generation were. Maybe people still are I'm not sure. With strangers we have to "sell" ourselves more so they get to know us quicker and so we tell them our good traits. I don't like doing this, it's as evil as the dreaded study day role play ! With my friends who I see or interact with regularly I am more modest and never boast about my positive traits. It just doesn't sit right with me. I guess friends who we have known for ages know us and what we are good at and because we want to remain friends things go unsaid as who likes a bragger ? I suppose the worry with modesty is when it becomes low self esteem. When we always fear our abilities are lacking. I wonder sometimes what I am trying to prove and to who. I can sometimes become preoccupied with being a "superhuman" , by the way I'm so not ! See I've done it again, self sabotage ! I think self sabotaging is quite common in people like me who have insecurities.
At the moment I have a fear of change, my divorce and financial settlement that has been dragging on for years is nearly at the point of finalisation and I'm scared. I'm not even sure what I'm frightened of. I have solo parented my four children from birth, attending all their parent evenings, hospital appointments, assemblies, school activities etc alone so no change there. I have run this home and kept it going alone. I have juggled so much alone and I've done ok. The only difference will be I will be responsible for paying all the bills but I will be getting maintenance from S to enable me to do this. So very little will change but I'm unsettled. Without the money I couldn't afford our home and lifestyle and I appreciate how lucky I am but I can't help at times feeling like I'm the paid nanny. As S only has to do the fun side of parenting the money feels like it's my wages. I really hope I stop feeling like this soon.
I would like to think I'm doing the parenting side of things as well as I possibly can. That I'm giving my four children a solid foundation in life. I'd hate to think the break down of my marriage has damaged them and ruined their chances in life. I hope they all achieve their dreams, stay healthy and remain happy. I'm sure that's what we all want for our offspring . They are my greatest achievement, what I am immensely proud of. Four individuals, all here because of me, yes I know it took two. I achieved my dream , my dream was a simple one to be a mother, the advanced bonus dream also achieved, to be the mother of four. How truly lucky I am. Perhaps in my role as a mother I am more confident and not my own enemy.
It's really hard to learn how to love yourself and stop being so hard on yourself. These are some of the things I do or I'm trying to do at the minute.
Exercise has become a big part of my life especially in the last 6 months. I've had a gym membership for the last 18 months but it's more recently that it's become important. I can feel the physical and mental benefits of exercise. It's good for my soul as my happy hormones are flowing and I need to go regularly to feel balanced. Also I can see small positive changes in my shape, and I like it ! I'm still quite negative about my body but I'm trying to remember all its been though and survived.
Going out, I love days out, evenings out, time with friends old and new. I'm lucky that I have willing babysitters so I have rediscovered my social life and I like it. This is of course balanced out with my need for solitude. I love my bathroom zoning out hours, I love being alone in my bedroom like now, it's bliss. Being alone is ok and saying you need time out is also ok.
I'm a real city girl but lately I have swapped my shopping trips for walks in the Countryside and breathing in deeply the fresh air it has been good. I love taking photos when I'm out, I'm thinking maybe I should get a better camera and do a photography course?
Frock Friday has been going now for a couple of years it's been a very good concept for me, it started originally to get me out of my mum uniform of jeans and a shirt one day a week. To say you don't need a special occasion to dress up. Now you'll probably find me in a dress and the now obligatory matching underwear that started a couple of years ago as well. It feels good and I enjoy choosing matching sets.
I'm starting to learn that I cannot please everyone , that I'll always have my critics, that there will be people who don't like me and people I don't like. But it doesn't matter, it's fine, just the way it is. I just try to not be judgemental as I don't know what that individual is going though, just try and be kind.....not always easy I agree ! I try not to let people take advantage of me, a relationship needs to work both ways.
Smiling is good though, the more I smile the happier I feel and I like to know my friends are smiling too. It's nice to make others smile and feel happy. So slowly I'm learning to like myself and I'm sure the love will follow. ❤️
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