For the past few days now I have just not been feeling right, I'm not physically ill so I'm guessing this is something psychological , but what ? I have a feeling of impending doom but I don't know why. Like something looming over me but what ? I'm sort of waiting for something to happen, something bad I suppose from how I am feeling .
I keep running through things in my head to try to work out why I am feeling this way and I have not uncovered any answers. Nothing is different here, no new worries, nothing major hanging over me. I just wonder if I fear saying I am happy and that life is good incase it's snatched away again. That another sink hole will appear to swallow me up and leave me hanging on by my finger tips .
I am having insomnia again, waking multiple times and struggling to get back to sleep, this is frustrating but not that unusual for me and I don't feel it is responsible for my feelings of impending doom. I'm waking up though with a churning stomach, it feels twisted and I have a butterfly feeling . This feeling is travelling up to my chest at times and I feel the need to take a big deep breath. My palpitations are also back and I feel like my heart is in my mouth. I feel dizzy and off balance and just not myself. It's such a weird feeling and I don't know how to make it go away.
I'm still racking my brain trying to work out why I feel like this, wasting time going through a "list" in my head. Always starting at Eloise, who looks well, feels well, we are waiting for blood results and she does have an appointment at the end of the month but it's too early for pre-appointment tension ! The other children are all good as well, all healthy and happy and progressing well. I have no health issues either I had to have a colposcopy in February but had the all clear so no outstanding results to worry about as my moles were also cancer free. Parents are behaving themselves, a few health issues but under control. Divorce situation is dragging on but still amicable and nearing the grand finale ( I know I say that every time I write) House is ok, no major money issues, work is work. So why am I feeling like this ????? Why do I feel like life is going to come crashing down over me ? I want this feeling to stop, to go away, I want to be free from it again. I think what is unnerving me is that everything is ok but I feel strange .
Am I like this because things are going right ? Life is being kind and I like it. I'm getting used to it but I worry about something bursting the bubble. It's like I cannot be this lucky and I'm scared. It's not that I don't feel worthy of happiness, I feel we all deserve to be happy. I'm just waiting for the next drama or upset, so I shall adopt the brace position.
All I can do is try to ignore these feelings by keeping myself busy and not allowing myself time to over think, so I shall plan a few activities over the next few days. I'll use my usual relaxation techniques and gym trips to keep my mind as balanced as I can. I shall be gentle with myself and enjoy all I have. It's probably just the menopause !!!! At my stage in life I guess I can blame the big M for many things. So feeling of impending doom you won't bring me down as when the going gets tough the tough get going............😉
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