Grateful, it's a word that is used often in my transplant world. We are all grateful for the second chance that organ donation has given either us or our loved ones. We are grateful that someone donated their organs, we are grateful to the donor families that said yes. We are grateful for the skilful surgeons, the transplant medics, the hospital teams that keep us or our loved ones alive. When you see the dictionary meaning of the word grateful you can see why it's used so often.
"grateful
adjective- feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received.
synonyms- thankful, filled with gratitude, appreciate , indebted,
However do we always have to be grateful ? Why does it feel like we are moaning and being disrespectful to the organ donor when we complain about ill health, missed opportunities, post transplant complications, hospital visits or any normal aspect of day to day life ? Why can't we complain without feeling ungrateful ? I think we are as entitled as the next person to say we are struggling, that things aren't going so well.
I often read posts from members of my transplant family that start with an apology. "I'm sorry for moaning but....." Why can't transplant recipients moan when they are feeling rough with a cough and cold for example ? You are feeling ill so why can't you say that without feeling guilty? Sympathy should be given freely, we are all entitled to it. Sadly you'll usually find someone will say "you should be grateful, you've been given a second chance, not everyone is so lucky, you have x,y and z" The transplant recipient then feels guilty for "whinging." People don't realise that these casual remarks cause upset and feelings of guilt.
It's just the need for a transplant and subsequent transplant can change your life and dreams. I'm thinking of all my adult female heart transplant recipients who have been advised not to have children because of the strain on their hearts and the potential kidney damage a pregnancy can cause. So many of us dream of becoming parents and to be told no, is a crushing blow. So many of these ladies are told to be grateful that they are still here, of course they are ! It doesn't mean they aren't grateful for the life they have been given , they are. They just saw a life with their own children in it. As humans we want to reproduce and sadly for some this isn't advisable. Never think these ladies aren't grateful for their second chance.
Complain , complain, complain when you need to my transplanted friends and loved ones of those transplanted. Let everyone know that post transplant life isn't all sparkly and happy ever after. It can be tough sometimes , bloody tough, challenging, life changing, painful, mentally draining , depressing and so much more. Add in the survivors guilt . Add in the "need" to honour your donor by living some amazing life when some days all you can do is get up in the morning . Even while writing this post this evening a lovely friend posted about their child needing to undergo more tests on Friday under anaesthetic. Included in the post were the words " I'm not complaining as so many go through more...." Actually most people go through their lives going through a hell of a lot less my Northern friend. Never feel guilty for saying this isn't fair, it's not fair. This doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the transplant , it just means post transplant complications suck !
Do you think anyone whose life has been touched by organ donation forgets their loved one is only here because someone else died ? We never do. When Eloise had her two rejection episodes I felt guilty that we'd not looked after her transplanted heart properly. I worried about her donor family and how they'd feel if Eloise continued to reject their child's heart. I didn't want to moan to Rebecca about everything Eloise goes through but I wanted her to know that sometimes post transplant life doesn't go to plan. I'm sure she knows I'm eternally grateful but at times it's not easy being the mother of a transplant recipient.
Of course we are all grateful because transplantation has given us precious time, on the whole it's quality time but when it's tough let us voice how we feel without guilt. By admitting we are struggling we aren't disrespecting the donor we are just being open and honest. So please let us share with you the good times but also the hard times without making us feel we are ungrateful. ❤️
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