Living your life one day at a time is all well and good as long as you feel you are achieving all you want in life. "No regrets" is a common phrase, I often throw that one out there but in truth I am lying I do have regrets. I regret wasting time on the wrong people and not spending enough time with those who deserved my attention. I let the demanding people drain me of my energy and I left the unassuming folk little of my time, if any. I'm angry with myself, life is busy and chaotic but I could and should have found time for those who loved me unconditionally. When I was with S I saw very little of my friends , I let them down and I made myself isolated, for for an easy life. Luckily most of them stuck around !
Losing someone you loved is so hard and it sends ripples through the rest of your life as out of the blue something will happen to remind you of them. It's sometimes shocking how even twenty or so years later the pain of their loss can be sharp enough to take your breath away. We need the human bond to feel connected and joyful, and we enjoy life much more when we share it with people we love but when they die a void is left and it's very hard to fill. No forget that it's impossible, I'm forever flawed.
Coping with loss is one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do. I don't cope, I just box it away and on significant anniversaries it spews out and I cannot ebb the flow. I already feel bereaved because I "lost" my fit and healthy Eloise. The thought of losing her totally is incomprehensible. Everyone copes with bereavement differently , and some of us never do. I do believe you can die of a broken heart.
When I lose someone I love, it changes my universe and my inner peace is shattered and the equilibrium of my life becomes unbalanced and therefore nothing seems right. There is a future that will never exist and a past that I want to go back to only to see my loved one again. I feel like I can’t be further from the present moment and reality. I find this disturbing as I like to live in the moment but the moment is without the person I've lost in it. They only exist in the past and some of my past is painful to revisit. So I'm forced back into a time when life was difficult and uncertain. I am also left thinking of the lost opportunities , we should have seen more of each other and made more memories.
When I need to be alone to think about my friends I often seek out water, it's reflective , I like the noise it makes especially the sea, it's ever changing which is just like my emotions. Sometimes like this evening the best I can do is lock myself in the bathroom and spend hours in the bath, trying to relax. Swimming also helps me a lot and helps me feel peaceful. So like I said at the beginning of this blog post Tomorrow it's time to say goodbye to a wonderful lady who played such an important part in the beginning of Eloise's life as she was at her birth. As you can imagine giving birth to a baby born two months prematurely was a very scary time for me. But I was lucky to have the best person at my side , looking out for me, supporting me and comforting me. I'm feeling very emotional as I try to deal with a tirade of feelings. I'm sad for the loss of my friend and Eloise's godmother. I'm also dealing with the memories of other important people who I've said goodbye to .I'm struggling to dealing with my fear of losing my child, as I'll never be ready for that. I know I'm going to cry, I'm already at the taking deep breathes stage. I avoid as many funerals as I can because I become awash with emotion and so many feelings mingle together. I'm scared of funerals and the final goodbye.
I know life is forever changing but the loss of someone important is very severe and adapting to them no longer being there is extremely hard. I know they'll remain in my heart and in my memories but that's not always enough. I have no religion , no faith but when it comes to death I try to protect myself . I have to believe there is something more than this. I have to think I'm going to see them again one day, otherwise it's even harder to deal with. I didn't want life to change in this way, I shouldn't have experienced losing friends already, they've been taken too soon. Losing a couple of people who I was extremely close to changed me. It was the only way to cope after such a traumatic loss, I couldn't go back to my old self, this was and is my coping mechanism. I remember when I lost J to suicide begging for him to come back but nothing could bring him back to me. His death couldn't be undone and I was left reeling from it. It took me a long time to even mention him and I'm not sure I have found peace. All I'm left with is stories of the good times we shared and that has to be enough.
I think I've run out of energy to say anymore, I feel I should be full of wise words and life lessons. Just live people, just live and enjoy each day to your best ability. May as well leave you with Mark Twain's wise words ! Take care and lots of love my friends. XxxX
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