It's funny how a day can change just like that. From being an ordinary not very exciting but quite pleasant Monday to a washout of tears and overwhelming sadness. You see someone unintentionally pulled the trigger.
It happened at the gym, in the sauna to be precise. Often the hub of conversation, today's being religion and going to church. I have a fair enough knowledge of the Church of England faith so I could partake in the conversation. Until I was asked if I went to church and the follow up question being what made you stop going.... I mumbled something happened in my life and fought the tears. Thankful that the sweat was already dripping into my eyes and saunas are poorly lit places. I then withdraw and became thoughtful and quiet. When the time was right I made my excuses and left the room.
You see the innocent question triggered something within me that made me recall a sad period in my life. I'm sure you can all guess what traumatic time I was left thinking of. Trauma triggers are quite upsetting , I can't control how I feel and often my reaction seems an over kill. I went home and cried so much that I gave myself a headache. In fact even five hours later my eyes really sting. It feels wrong to say I have PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder ) but guess that's what I displayed again today. The feelings are completely out of my control. You wouldn't think a conversation about God would do this to me, I guess it was a subtle trigger , I didn't anticipate how wretched it would make me feel. When Eloise was admitted to Bristol Childrens Hospital and the subsequent hospitals she visited The Freeman and Great Ormond Street we were asked our religion. This was duly documented , however it meant visits from the hospital chaplaincy service , it just wasn't for me. I found their exuberance testing and I couldn't cope . I didn't have the energy to explain our story anymore times, I didn't want to say why we were miles from home. I just wanted to shut down . I admire those with a strong faith but mine was tested and it broke. I know what happened to Eloise just happened, just a rare complication but I can't be the only person to question why awful things happen to innocent children ! In the end I stopped saying C/E when asked, instead I stated we had no faith . Now Eloise's notes state C/E again as this is her choice and I support her decision.
I suppose my emotions are running wild and high at the moment as guess what ? Indeed Eloise has a cardiology appointment this week. I wish I could see what's going on inside that body of hers. So stress levels are high and I'm trying my best to stay happy but today I had a wobble and I cracked. Thankfully, a friend, hot chocolate and a warm fuzzy film popped me back on track again.
Please if you pray, pray for my Eloise to stay well, or just keep her in your thoughts. It's a tough journey we are on but with you all next to us we'll keep moving forward. Much love ❤️
I always think of Eloise and I really hope her next appointment is a good one. You've done so well over the years considering all that you have been tested with. I still have faith but I don't like overbearing religious types, I have my faith in my own way. I will keep you all in my thoughts this difficult week xx
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