Restoration of Self ❤️

Restoration of self ❤️

                            

                                         

      

It's now a few days since Eloise's cardiology review at Bristol Childrens Hospital. I should now be feeling relaxed and relieved it's over but I don't. The appointment went well with no shocks , so why do I feel so much tension in my body and why is my mind in overdrive?  Pre appointment I was quite tense, but that's quite normal for me now. Since her blips in 2013 I'm always on high alert. She looked well and felt well again this time around so that was a plus. The night post appointment it is normal for me not to sleep, it's a time of reflection, memories ,fear of the future. I know I advocate living in the present but every now and then I have to gaze a little futher.  

       

       Heart Transplant Survival Statistics, I know they're just maths and figures and can't detail lots of information about each heart transplant recipient but I keep thinking of them at the minute. I'm wondering if it's because we are heading towards Eloise's 15th Heart Transplant Anniversary next year.  When we transferred to the Freeman Hospital in Newcastle, we spoke with the transplant coordinators and we were given an information pack. Within that pack survival statistics , with patients living an average 5-10 years post transplant. Those figures etched themselves into my head, now they've improved, but I think it's now 10-15 years. So can you see where I am ? Obviously I can rationalise that these are just numbers and I have hope that Eloise will outlive them. Just wish I didn't know. 

      I'm doing all I can to reduce the tension coursing through my body. My back just aches, I have the most comfortable bed with a memory foam mattress but at the moment the bed is my enemy. Nights are so long, I'm tossing and turning all night, trying to settle, trying not to give up on the idea of sleep. I wonder if that makes things worse ? Should I give up and get up ? However I'm not one for taking a nap so I'd never gain that potential sleep again. I crave a good nights sleep, I hope I get one soon, this year would be good ! I'm listening to my body and going to sleep early which is a good thing as its the only way I can clock up enough sleep to enable me to function. 

        I've spent time in the gym, I've swam, I've sat in the sauna, steam room and jacuzzi but still I feel tense and I've not been able to zone out. Gym time is usually my best form of therapy, my antidepressant medication , I've even upped my dose to four visits this week ! I've tried reading that's not successful at the minute, no story had been able to suck me in this week. I've walked, I've shopped , I've sat in the bath for a few hours and I've eaten cake ! I have managed to watch a few films which is highly unusual for me. No surprise that I watched a film in the cinema but to choose to watch 3 films to the end at home is a shock. For me to sit in our living room is highly unusual, but I am trying so hard to relax as I have so much to do over the next few weeks ! 

        

I will just have to continue to be gentle with myself. I know if I don't take every opportunity to self care I'll feel worse and my brain fog will get denser. It's hard making time for yourself sometimes, we always feel guilty don't we ? However taking time out now means I'll remain well in the long run so it's worth it. I even sound as if I'm trying to justify the me time while I write this ! It's been good spending time with my children this weekend, just enjoying each other's company. I'll surround myself with those I love and fill my days with as many happy things as I can. I know I'll be ok again soon, I always am. I'll just sit things out and wait for the tide to turn again. Thank you for being by my side and for all your words of support this week. Love to you all ❤️