Sometimes I feel like I'm being eaten up by memories, thoughts, fears and anxiety. Just little pieces at a time being picked away in my mind. Some days I just chew things over. Not every day, some days pass in beautiful tranquility , also known to most as normality ! Then one little trigger and away we go into a spiral of thoughts, the cogs get turned, the brain floods and I'm where I don't want to be. There are two places I don't want to be too often, the past and the future. Of course I have many beautiful, happy memories of days I've lived and I'm sure many wonderful days are waiting to be enjoyed. But the present is my safe place, this moment and right now. I'm here and for this time I'm in control, sat writing with a cup of earl grey beside me, all very ordinary. I quite like ordinary.
I can deal with "me" quite well, I know how I'm feeling and how to improve my mood. I can reduce my anxiety, I can process my fears, I can look through bad memories and talk about them at length without them reducing me to tears. I am my own therapy and I'm grateful for that. I don't think a stranger would get me, they'd never fix me and I don't wish to explain myself to anyone. I think when you've been through a traumatic time you are bound to have psychological scars and that's ok. I've not become hard, I remain very sensitive and I hope I continue to have empathy. I can't cry during a film or tv programme though, it's just a film not my reality . Is this strange ? I do get sad sometimes, who wouldn't knowing what I know but I'm not depressed. I can still see the good in every day, even if I have to search for longer on occasion. I do feel cheated that part of my dream has been damaged along the way but I'm sure most of us feel we deserve better. Just money can't solve my problem.
This is a bit of a pointless I've said it all before blog post to read but I needed to tap out a few words and they were nibbling me ! I'm just cross at the whole you only get in life what you can deal with crap ! What a load of utter bollocks ! I'm angry how unfair everything is, thinking mainly health here not going into politics or finance. Thinking of my friends who have become prisoners because of ill health. They are stuck indoors, limited physically on a daily basis and just struggling to breathe. It is all fucked up, good people struck down by hideous conditions while others piss their lives up against a wall.....you know . How I wish life was fair, how I wish I could give my friends a day free of pain, freedom from their illness. I cannot imagine what it must be like every day battling with your body and being gentle with your mind and showing the world a smile. These people are an inspiration to me , thinking of two remarkable ladies in particular A and S. Thinking about such things made me angry last night, in a rage kind of anger with a torrent of swear words. Those who know me well know I struggle to show anger in this form, I know it's not a positive trait to have but I was actually pleased that I felt this way last night. The tears wouldn't have been for me and I'm sure no one needed my pity.
So there it's out there another parcel of my feelings to unwrap and analyse ! Love as always Bec X
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