On the Verge of Uncertainty

 Always on the verge of uncertainty and a mental breakdown ! 

                      

    

Life continues to show me that it's full of uncertainty and there most certainly aren't any guarantees. Nothing , absolutely nothing can be taken for granted. The only problem is I've set my life up in such a way to enable me to cope with its demands as long as nothing changes. As long as no one throws a spanner in the works. Mentally I'm at top capacity , a slight nudge and I'm broken and tearful . I deal with quite a lot and for the most part I have a smile on my face. I'm generally happy and mainly optimistic. To make my life work well I have to be in control of it. I call the shots, I take on what I can manage, mentally and physically. 

        Sadly no one has told life to slow down and let me catch my breath. So it continues to twist , turn and even loop the loop. Even as I write this now I feel the need to exhale deeply. I can hear Sia singing " I'm still breathing" At the end of the day at the moment I have to remind myself of this wonderful fact ! I must hasten to add I can still think logically and I can still rationalise. I can deal with most things, maybe not on the day they happen but in the cold light of the next day when I've had time to think more clearly and less emotionally.  The way I cope with most things is by thinking is it replaceable , thankfully most things and a lot of people are ! Having gone through the darkest of days with Eloise I have been able to prioritise what is important . Not many things unless they are health driven are worth my worry . 

                    The problem with uncertainty for me is that I love a plan and I absolutely hate being in limbo. Despite being a Libra I like a decision to be made so I can learn to deal with it. Especially if it's not the outcome of my choice ! With uncertainty there is often a range of possible outcomes. This for me could mean having to deal with an outcome I haven't had chance to process in advance. It's hard to live with a future that's not clearly imagined, but I guess that shouldn't stop me dreaming of happily ever after ? 

While we are here in my safe place , can I ask if any of you cry when you are frustrated ? I just wish sometimes that I wasn't such an emotional person. I wish I could just talk and express my thoughts and feelings with out tears. I don't cry because I'm sad or depressed but that's what it must come across as. I seem to need some reverse kind of anger management ! Saying that I'm often quite angry with myself after one of these confrontations as I'll never get taken seriously if I'm a blubbering , snotty wreck ! 

                                     

    

      So I've had another week of ups and downs, a balanced life really. Actually many more good times than difficulties . We've had a few pieces of really good news as a family so that's just perfect. If I needed any reminder of how incredibly lucky I am it came this afternoon.  Ironically I'd just messaged my bud to say "how lucky am I " before logging onto FB and being greeted with the incredibly sad news that 3 year old Ivie had passed away whilst waiting for a heart transplant. There it was in a newspaper article a slap in the face , a jolt to stop me taking for granted all I have.

            Maybe rather than being afraid of the uncertainty I should embrace it, maybe some change would be a good thing.........with a little forward planning of course ! I am one of the luckiest people to have my Eloise and my three other awesome children. I have everything I need and in amongst all this uncertainty my love for them is certain to grow stronger every day.