Never Goodbye

     

                              

It's not Goodbye

I think a year or so ago now I wrote about change and being stood at a crossroads . Well the traffic lights have changed to green and I'm about to make a change in my life.

         On the 16th of May I will work my last shift as a permanent member of staff on ward 36 at Bristol Childrens Hospital. I've worked as a paediatric nurse in the kids hospital for 20 years on ward 33 originally up in the old hospital . Then this became ward 31 when we moved down the hill. In December 2002 I was redeployed to ward 36 after Eloise's transplant and have continued to work there for 14 years.

        I love that hospital, I love the wards, the corridors and its warmth. It's been a second home to me. Most importantly I love the people in it, those wonderful people I've had the privilege to meet and work with for the past two decades. I'm lucky enough to call many of them friends and some are more like family members now. It's been my safety net but it's time to move out of my comfort zone......slightly. 

     

                       As well as holding so many happy memories for me it's also the place where I faced my darkest of times. It's where my whole life shattered around me to never be the same again. It's nearly 15 years ago now since I brought my poorly Eloise into A/E thinking she had a chest infection. You know how that story unfolds . It's a day I'll never forget, conversations that are inked into my brain forever. Cubicle 1 , how I hated hearing the Drs talking outside the door, I heard their every word and my world came crashing down. I also remember every bed space Eloise occupied in PICU before she ended up in a cubicle. I remember many conversations, I remember the quiet room, the prayer room, the parents room with Bunkbeds. I remember too much and it hurts. It was so hard being on the other side meeting my colleagues around the hospital and having to explain why I was there out of uniform. 

          However I owe that hospital so much, they stabilised my baby, they gave her fragile heart all the support it needed, they kept her alive against the odds. They also knew when to seek another opinion, when there was no more they could do. They safely transferred Eloise by plane to the Freeman Hospital in Newcastle at the right time. Since then Eloise has received excellent cardiology care , thankfully mainly as an outpatient . She has had two visits to ward 32 one for rejection 7 weeks post transplant and one for pneumonia, one stay on ward 31 for chicken pox treatment and one visit to 36 for an adenotonsillectomy. I trust this hospital so much with Eloise and I feel the staff really care about her and how she's getting on. Soon even Eloise will be saying goodbye to BCH as it is time for my baby to transition to adult care. 

        I am so glad I moved from London to Bristol , it was the right choice and I've been lucky to work in such a wonderful children's hospital. Working in a general hospital on a paediatric unit is good but for me I preferred working in a specialist paediatric hospital. As you may know I'm no career woman, I just love children and my main aim in life was to be a mother and life gave me four of my own beautiful children. So work wise all I wanted to do was work with children so that wish came true as well. 

                                           

    So that brings me back to my change, my leap of faith. I maybe leaving Bristol Childrens Hospital, but I'm not leaving the trust or paediatrics or day surgery for that matter ! I'm going to work at the Dental Hospital, in their paediatric day surgery unit. After Eloise was ill and it was time for me to think of returning to work I was sent to occupational health to be assessed by a Dr. It was like an interrogation and he broke me, I cried so much. I never thought I could nurse again, I didn't want to walk in that hospital building full of my fears and ghosts. In the end it was decided that I should move wards . One of the options that I considered at the time was the dental hospital but in the end I went back to BCH and with a lot of emotional support in the early days I survived. So the Dental Hospital will mainly be a new venue for me and a new group of ladies to get to know, but the nursing will be similar. Even upped my hours.......by half a day and given up the term time contract. There have been lots of changes over the past two years on the ward where I'm working now and I'm not always the best at dealing with change . So for me being in control of the changes to my career is an easier option to cope with. I know I've made the right decision for myself and my family and work/life balance is so important to me. Long term this new role will help me to continue to have the best of both worlds. I'm so lucky that this opportunity came along just when I needed it. 

    So this is it a time for new beginnings but it's not the end. Part of me will always remain in my beloved children's hospital. I have so many lovely memories of the children and families I have nursed over twenty years. We had so much fun, I think the best of times were spent at the old children's hospital on Ward 33, god it was cramped but it was full of love. I will always remember that ward fondly and our lovely Sarah who bonded us so closely together. I am so lucky that she became my friend, birth partner and godmother to Eloise. She's so missed.  As for Ward 36, we did like to put on a good spread and buffet didn't we ? The support of my ward 36 ladies and our Graham has got me through quite a few important episodes in my life and I love you all for it. I'll miss you all so much. 

     Thank you Bristol Childrens Hospital and all who work there and use the hospital for giving me twenty years of happy employment .