Face to Face with an Unlocked Past

Face to Face with an Unlocked Past

                                    

      

By the time you read this it'll be over. The thing I'm laying here dreading will itself be in the past, dealt with, finished, over. Just a memory and hopefully an easily dealt with and soon to be forgotten memory.  Tomorrow it's my Intermediate Life Support Study Day, hard to believe it's been two years since I last feared this day. A day filled with information and role play, so I'm sure it's not a favourite with many of my colleagues. 

    Rationally I know it'll be fine, my track record reminds me of this. I did cry last year, maybe I'll cry again tomorrow. Not because I'm a lousy actress, well maybe I am ? I look ok don't I ? In control of my life and it's contents but I wing it ! I feel sick, my anxiety levels are high, I'm breathing deeply and exhaling loudly and chocolate isn't helping. I went to the gym earlier that helped, it blocked out this looming fear of mine. I worked bloody hard making sure muscular pain outweighed the mental pain. Then and there it helped but I only felt calm fleetingly. Next to me in my bed I have the "Paediatric Intermediate Life Support " manual, third edition no less, it's mocking me. 

           Tomorrow I'll return to some of the most horrific days of my life and I will see, hear and feel them all over again and I won't be able to stop this happening. The reel is already primed in my head ready for someone or something to press the trigger tomorrow. It maybe a few words, "the acutely ill child" or myocarditis. It maybe squeezing the chest of one of the dummies, or the noise of the monitors alarms. I know I'll return to my hell. I've seen too much, dealt with too much and felt so much. 

I know these flash backs will never be erased. I could pay someone £50 an hour to listen to me or sign up for some therapy sessions but they cannot take my memories away. These horrific days don't haunt me often, just on very special occasions like this. I guess on other days when my flashbacks hit me I'm alone and I can choose how I deal with them. This puts me on display. What do you think ? I wonder if people think it's strange that 15 years on I've not moved forward with this. As nurses do we ever think of the impact these events have on our patients and their families future mental health ? I hope so. Maybe I needed "debriefing" after I watched my daughter arrest ? It was like it wasn't really happening, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Willing her to keep fighting, as soon as she was stabilised she was wheeled away into theatre. I can't imagine what it must be like if those images of your child being resuscitated are the last you ever get to see. 

          I'm now biting my nails and they're rough, just let out a massive sigh too. I hope I sleep tonight. I want some peace, some oblivion and some respite from my thoughts. However irrational they maybe....... 

                         

      7.45am, day follows on from night and I actually slept my average 7 hours last night. I woke at 5am but settled again. My stomach really hurts and I feel nauseated, sorry if too much information but I even dry gagged as I feel so sick. Managed breakfast and a coffee. My heart is racing, it's giving me palpitations too. I'm trying to be positive and calm. I know nothing awful will happen today and the day will pass but tight now my logical brain is switched off or jammed.........

5.15pm Ok  it was just that ok, no tears and I only lost two nails during the day, although another two are rough and chewed. I'm ok, my mind is a riot of memories right now all whirling around. I'll spend the rest of the day searching through them and collecting them. Memories that need to be captured and boxed away again. Tonight I may not sleep but I'll try . I usually struggle post events too. But I'm pleased with how today went, it was a positive day.