I did contemplate not writing a post for the 23/05/2015, it's just a re run of the post I wrote last year, same old, same old. But that's just it isn't it ? That's what I want you to understand nothing, just nothing dulls the pain of that day for me. Not even the passing of thirteen years and the fact Eloise is sleeping in the next room because she got a heart transplant in time. I'll always remember the day she was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and the night she wasn't likely to survive.
I'm sat here feeling it right now , the memories hurt me . I'm actually crying, not sobbing just trickling tears onto my cheeks. They fall effortlessly . I'd like the day to just go away, it changed me, it changed my daughter, it changed my outlook on life, it changed our future. To some extent that day controls me. It will never go away, it will always haunt me. Flashbacks to that day are so vivid, feelings from that day still wash over me, conversations easily replayed, just hell.
That day was always going to happen, I just didn't know the damage hand, foot and mouth virus was doing to Eloise internally she was a ticking time bomb . I guess I was "lucky" spotting those very late signs of heart failure otherwise she would have died in her sleep. I guess my call to our GP also helped save her by getting us to A/E. Then the Dr who ordered a chest X-ray played their part, soon to be followed by the cardiologist who echoed her and diagnosed her. Then the anaesthetist who had the hard task of stabilising her and intubating her. The medics who eventually managed to cannulate her shut down veins and start her on inotropes. The intensive care team who finely tuned her care to try to stabilise her. The nurses who held me up as I was falling apart and cared for my baby so carefully . Just everyone who played their part on that day did it so well and it was enough to keep Eloise's fragile hold on life. I know that having an amazing paediatric hospital on my doorstep saved my baby on that god damn awful day. I don't think she would have survived being transferred from another centre.
I'm just going to let the day pass, it leads onto better days .
I guess my emotions are running a little high as Today S is collecting the 3 youngest children to go camping so I'll not see Eloise, Millie and Henry for a week. He's never had them for this length of time, it's only been 4 nights before down in Devon. This time they're going to his house in Eastbourne for 3 nights as well as the camping and I'll freely admit I don't like it ! I'm going to miss them so much, the house will seem too empty without them, a glimpse into the future and a preview of empty nest syndrome ? Also I think this will be too much for Eloise, she was hospitalised with pneumonia after last years trip with S and on antibiotics in October after transplant camp. I think she just gets so exhausted as she needs lots of sleep ! Then she becomes run down and catches an illness. When I took her to Ireland I was very mindful of this and we let her have rest days and lie ins to she stayed well. I just hope the weather is favourable too !
So a bit of a double blow , I'll be gentle on myself , go for a swim and a jacuzzi, do some colouring in or maybe not ! I'll just relax as much as I can. Tomorrow is another day.
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