2015 Lessons Learnt

Life lessons if only I'd learnt them earlier than my mid forties !  I guess they're called “life lessons” because you need to experience life in order to learn the lessons. So it goes that the more life you experience, the more lessons you learn. I'm hoping the things I have learnt this year help my confidence, my self worth and remind me what's important in life.

 2015 has on the whole been kind to my immediate family a few minor tremors but no major explosions. I'm grateful that we have had a more settled year, we certainly needed it, to regroup and gather strength. 

 I'm hoping my divorce and financial settlement agreement will happen very shortly . We're so nearly there, the boxes have been ticked just waiting to sign. I know that will bring me some inner peace and after nearly five years we'll have finally moved on. I've learnt I'm very capable at fighting for what I feel my children and I deserve and that I'm braver than I think I am. I have learnt that I can cope with more than I ever expected, maybe I'm nearing adulthood ? ( errrm possibly not I have just bought a box of Cinderella Lego ) 

    On the whole Eloise has been well, no admissions and only one chest infection caught very early. Her last two echoes have showed a couple of areas of change in function and there is some "stiffness" in the heart contracting but overall function remains good. Of course I'm anxious it's nearly time for her GOSH appointment. It's an Annual Review with an angiogram. I think what I have learnt this year is that worrying doesn't help.  That fear can sometimes be bigger than what you'll end up facing in reality. I have learnt to control my anxieties about Eloise's health and future. They are of course still there but not so controlling. I have always spouted off about living in the here and now but I think I'm now actually doing it. Life is NOW ! Life just continues to be a series of right nows. So learn to love right now, and you’ll be more at peace. I am. 

This lesson is still in it's infancy stages, I've learnt to love the skin I'm in. That my body is ok and not as awful as how I view it. We are all so critical of our bodies, yet they are amazing. My body just maps what I have been through to get to 46. Cellulite .....ermmmm I have been through a lot of food ! C-section scars from two emergency sections which saved the lives of Leah and Henry. Then the fat roll on top of the scar, actually that's the bit I detest the most as to me it looks like Joker's smile ! Varicose veins and broken veins from 26 years of being a nurse. Scars on my legs, from metal work and a fractured femur. Stretch marks from puberty , I was lucky not to receive any during my pregnancies. The list goes on. But at the end of the day how many people see you naked ? Those that love you except you the way you are. Body confidence shines through, it's nice to have compliments but it's good to be happy with what you see in the mirror every day. I hope by next New Year I can say I love my body and mean it 100%.

    I have also learnt to love the gym ! I've always hated exercise it was something that had to be done at school and has on the whole been ignored during adulthood with the odd exercise fad every so often ! I've had my gym membership since October 2014 but I think it took me a year to "settle" into it ! I love it now and hate not being able to fit in at least 3 sessions a week. The best reward for me is I feel alive and awake, less sluggish more alert. My mental health has definitely benefited, it's some good me time and you can't go wrong with releasing a few happy hormones.  My body is starting to change which is also a bonus. I have also learnt that I like an incentive, just like a kid with a sticker chart ! So for me my FitBit tracker works really well, I can see my achievements and I can have some healthy competition with my friends. So maybe I have learnt I'm competitive too ? The gym also has a log in feature on it's cardio machines and I love smashing my targets. Today I didn't leave until I smashed four personal bests !!! I'm hoping I'm improving my health as well as my outlook on life ! 

                    

   

     I have also learnt it's ok to need people to be there for you, that it doesn't make you a weak person and that sharing your fears can be a positive thing. It's just about finding the right person/ people and once you have done that it's easy. As long as the relationship works for you both and you don't drain each other it's ok. Friendships always need care to work.

  I have learnt you don't always have to be strong. No one will think any less of you if you admit your weaknesses. Failure is good we try so hard to avoid failure, but failure is the real evidence that we’ve tried. If you avoid failure, you avoid taking action. By accepting you may fail it makes you more human. I have learnt it's ok not to always be Super Woman and that if people are offering to help you let them. As sometimes we all need a helping hand. Being real, open, and vulnerable invites people in and allows them to relate to you on a much deeper and more intimate level. Vulnerability, practiced with safe and loving people, can help you to heal emotional pain which is crucial within our transplant world. 

A tough lesson and one many of us find difficult I have learnt to say NO, maybe not as often as I should have, thinking of Christmas ! I know that it's not selfish saying no to people and that you can't give away too many pieces of yourself. You must not lose yourself and you should only give to others by choice, not the desire for approval.

   I have continued to learn new coping strategies for when I'm stressed and that it's ok to express the need to be alone. Needing solitude doesn't make you lonely, it's the time you need to replenish yourself. 

I will continue to learn that people's opinions of me , my life and how I live it are just that opinions and that no one has the right to judge me . I am the only one living my life, yes I'll make a few mistakes , I'm only human but mistakes become lessons learnt. 

      Something that the journey with Eloise and her heart transplant has taught me is that life is a gift, it's precious but fragile. We all need to learn to appreciate what we have and be happy. Just make every day count people ! 

Happy New Year gorgeous friends xxxx