After that thought I guess my post seems a little selfish, actually I feel a little guilty moaning about spending Christmas with an assortment of people . I always know in the few days building up to Christmas that I'm going to struggle with it mentally. I stop sleeping, I'm never great anyway but the insomnia intensifies. I'm so busy I don't have time to use the measures I usually have in place to stop me feeling out of control. So no long baths, no long walks, I only got two gym sessions in the week before Christmas as well. No alone time as it's the school holidays.
So before I know it it's Christmas Eve and I'm cranky. This year I luckily got up at 5am so I managed to squeeze a gym session in before S collected Eloise and Henry to take them to Star Wars. By 11am I was walking back from the local shops and my parents were already in situ after driving up from Taunton. The invasion had started ! Relatives force me to be social, my dad especially likes to talk, I try to listen but I switch off. Even the TV is no longer in my control, actually it never is as Henry is master of the remote ! Anyway the day ticks along.....well drags and it's now the evening. Those that know me well know I like to retreat to a bathroom in the evening , prepare for bed and spend a couple of hours in my bed sit of a bedroom every evening to unwind and enjoy solitude. It didn't happen, it's nearly midnight before I go to bed. Crankiness cranked up a notch !
Christmas Day, well I'm sure they could have written a comedy sketch or two. Actually most of it wasn't funny so perhaps black humour ? Before 9am I have already told my mother to "shut up" , the crime, the two teenagers are back in bed and Eloise is half an hour late with her pills. No big deal but mother tells me not to moan when Eloise's blood tests are up the creek next month, hence my response . By 10am Henry has had multiple melt downs he wants to open his presents but his dad and nan haven't arrived yet. Lots of stamping and grunting from the Ginge ! S and I are both exasperated with the older generation His mother had wound him up too. The day drags on, we eat late, it's a tradition . My mother then tops her earlier witchy comments by repeatedly telling Leah she'd put on weight and that was the problem with vegetarians , they pile on weight as they eat too many carbs. My dad joined in. Leah goes off crying, distraught. I follow her, she rejects me wanting to be alone. Mother then tries , she gets told by Leah to "piss off." This is all going so well ! Mother then wails she's ruined Christmas.....well actually for Leah that was probably true. Leah never ate again that day. We hug, I console her. I wish they realised how damaging their comments are. You see I'd heard them before. My dad used to delight in telling me I'd put on weight, obviously being so swelte ( not) himself he can judge others. Those comments stay with you, God I wish I was as fat as I was aged 21 !
Boxing Day next more of the same really just no S as he had his partner and her son staying in the hotel with him. I did get some respite as I went shopping with Millie which was nice. On the 27th S left Bristol taking Henry and Millie with him, the noise levels dropped significantly but I still didn't feel at ease. 27th is a Park Street shopping and Burger day so pretty enjoyable . I feel fine out of the house less suffocated.
Then hurrah it's the 28th, at 10am we wave good bye to my parents. I doubt they had even turned out of the road before I started taking down the Christmas decorations. I just cannot bear having them up after the event ! I cull everything but the lovely real tree in the living room. I love that one, it looks pretty. All the other rooms are decluttered, all fuss removed and furniture put back in its rightful place. Tension seeps out of me. I go to the gym, I smash targets. I chill out, I watch TV, I have a bath, I read, I eat and drink tea. My pyjamas go on, I spend time alone in my gorgeous bedroom. I sleep, soundly for nearly 11 hours. I'm restored, I'm happy and calm again. I'm just ME. ❤️
I don't know why I'm so territorial about my home and I find it so difficult to share it with others. I think it's being a host, I'm truly rubbish at it. I like to do what I want, my agenda ! I like the routine I have normally and how it fits into family life. I find it hard to meet the expectations of others while preserving my own "self." I'm not sure if there is a solution really or than grin and bear it, you know suck it up buttercup......and whinge on social media ! Anyway I'm really enjoying the time I have. Now is good.
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