Ripples

   

I don't really know where this blog post is going if anywhere but I guess I'm just off loading here safely. Ok here goes, I'm unsettled this Evening, it's been slowly descending over me all day and now it's here. My heart is racing and I keep taking deep breaths. I just can't stay still, I'm pacing like one of those poor polar bears they used to have in Bristol Zoo during my childhood. Apologies to anyone taking part in a FitBit workweek hustle with me ! I'm resisting the urge to comfort eat as that will only deflate my mood later as I sugar crash ! Not even the thought of locking myself in the bathroom with candlelight, a bath bomb and soft music is appealing to me. In fact the music playing right now is anything but soft, it's angry. I'm back to playing Lily Allen's "Fuck You" at full blast with promise of other expletive laden songs on her album to follow.  Sometimes it's good to scream. 

       

               Last night I found out that another lady had passed away post transplant, she may have "only" been a Facebook friend but I admired this lady and her zest for life. She always made me laugh and that's a great quality. She had so much more living to do and I'm angry she didn't get that time. J was waiting for a kidney transplant , her medication to prevent her rejecting her heart had caused kidney failure, she was on dialysis. Sadly a organ never came in time. Having a heart transplant isn't easy you take a gamble because the odds were never in your favour. Without it you or your loved one would die. I'm just so sad that in such a short space of time we have lost three young ladies from our heart transplant family all with so much more living to do. 

When we lose someone in our transplant community we all feel the ripples of that loss. It makes us think when perhaps we'd rather forget. I keep seeing an egg timer you know one of those ones with the sand and the sand is slowly trickling through the top chamber. A cliche really but it's how my brain is thinking in pictures of time running away from Eloise. I don't want what I have taken from me. Bloody statistics, bloody life expectancies , bloody side effects, all hideous and scary. Hey it's all going to be alright isn't it, Eloise will be fine, she's different , positivity tries to drag me back from the darker side. I have to remain optimistic and have hope or it's all rather pointless isn't it ? 

      We just have to dust ourselves off and accept that sometimes transplant life is tough. We have no control over some of the external forces but they always seem to be the ones that dominate our lives. We get fixated on them. We can't focus on anything else. I find this is what happens to me when I hear that I've  lost a transplant friend. It brings every fear for Eloise's future crashing into the front of my head. All I can do is keep her healthy and happy, everything else is out of my control. I can't let this anger and sadness take over me as it clouds how I feel. It makes me want to sleep as if that's going to take the pain away. All that happens is I miss opportunities to be happy. So even though I'm struggling this evening and I'm yawning so much my eyes are watering I'm going to spend time with my children before bedtime. You can't go wrong with a cuddle from a ginger they're very healing ! 

    So huge hugs for everyone, I think we need them. At times like this I wish you were all here with me so we could hug and celebrate life. ❤️